Adventures in Living a Healthy, Juicy Life
by Cheryl Ragsdale
Cheryl Ragsdale throwing a dirty look
Giving someone a dirty look – by that I mean the kind of look that stops people in their tracks when they’re doing something or saying something disrespectful to you. Dirty looks are a natural response to being disrespected.
Lately, I’ve been noticing people allowing themselves to be diminished or invalidated – meaning walked on like a doormat – by others. I find that upsetting.
It’s so easily handled when you know how to throw a dirty look effectively. Dirty looks require practice, good timing and the willingness to back up your look with strong words, if necessary. Really effective dirty looks require no words at all. People recognize their error and back down. Isn’t that how it works when someone throws you a dirty look?
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Establishing Boundaries
We use dirty looks to issue a warning and establish boundaries. We all know someone who gets treated like this hapless lass in this cartoon:
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Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
The trouble is, when you let someone get away with treating you that way once, they do it over and over again.
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Respect:
- a feeling or attitude of admiration and deference toward somebody or something
- to pay attention to and refrain from violating something
- to show consideration or thoughtfulness in relation to somebody or something
- to value, have reverence for or hold a high opinion of
- to admire
Removing people from my life who are disrespectful to me has been one of the most difficult and most rewarding habits I’ve taken on in my quest to “Stay Young – from the Inside Out”. It takes something to stand up to people.
Habit #38: Say NO, when you mean NO.
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Earning Respect
Here’s another example of being disrespected from dumbemployed.com
“At work today, I was watering the office plants when I looked inside the dirt pot. I found a key ring, a piece of gum, an empty Mountain Dew bottle and a business card inside. It was my business card. I’m dumbemployed.”
Who put my business card in the flower pot?
How do we earn respect from others?
- vanquishing foes
- winning
- losing bravely
- getting the job done well
- overcoming the odds
- doing the best we can
- being responsible for putting our best foot forward
- fighting for what we believe in
- NOT tolerating being dishonored or shamed
Are you messing with my girl?
Another question to ask is: Are you disrespecting yourself? Do you make promises that you fail to keep? Do you say you’ll do something and then fail to perform – no show or accidentally forget? You reap what you sow. Start with yourself. Where’s your pride? Self-respect is honoring to yourself and to the people around you. If you want respect, be the person “we can set a clock by”.
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Introducing the Experts
Here’s the good news and the bad news. The good news is that it’s not hard to set good boundaries. The bad news is the responsibility for setting boundaries rests entirely with you. No one is going to do it for you. When you respect yourself, other people will respect you too. When you stand up for yourself, other people will stand up for you too. But, no one will fight your battles for you.
More bad news – like attracts like – if you disrespect others, others will disrespect you too. Hey, what goes around, comes around.
Not sure what to do when someone is being disrespectful? Like any other habit, standing up for yourself must be practiced on a regular basis. Practice setting and maintaining good boundaries.
Every person in the world has a version of a dirty look. We’ll help you find yours. It works beautifully – don’t even have to say anything. It’s not a special trick. In fact, you already
know how to throw effective dirty looks. Some of us have just forgotten how to do it. I brought in a team of experts to demonstrate and help us remember how to throw effective dirty looks.
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When I feel respected, I’m able to let my guard down. I notice who’s around when I feel the need to keep my guard up and where I feel comfortable taking it down. That might sound strange to you, but I’ve only recently learned to recognize that I had an option.
Try it! You’ll be happier. Everyone will know where they stand with you. You’ll feel more balanced, more solid, more grounded. What you
You can forget about the yo-yo, buddy.
believe about yourself shows up on your face. Make sure yours is communicating the right message at the right time.
Oh, there is that other dirty look. The look we reserve for men who deserve it. Ladies, I can show you how to rock that look too. We’re gonna need a different panel of experts…
Be respectful to people. Life works better that way. No Respect. No Yo-Yo.
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Looking for other people’s comments?
They are on the right hand side of this post.
How have you been standing up for yourself lately?
Leave a comment or else send a link with a good example that you found on-line:
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photo credits: personal photos of Cheryl Ragsdale, little boy, Hillary Clinton, drawing, google images, little red headed girl, cat
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Dr. Wilhelm Reich observed that lowering the brows was a form of body armoring (“life-annulling energy in opposition to orgone”) and a sure sign of unwillingness to submit to authority. I prefer your more positive re-frame as a way to set boundaries and earn respect.
Twitter: thatgirlisfunny
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Hi Diane,
I like lowering my chin as well as my brows. Thanks for adding your thoughts and thank you for sending the link to Ellen Snortland’s Huffington Post article. I’ve added it to the link list on this page. Stay connected!
Twitter: fatibony
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Very interesting article I have not really come across one. It’s funny coz I gave my little nephew a dirty look coz he was being naughty(setting boundaries) but he didn’t take much notice of me so I raised my voice and what did he do? He gave me some dirty look instead I couldn’t help but laugh… thanks for sharing.
Twitter: thatgirlisfunny
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Kids give the best dirty looks. They forget to censor themselves. Which, of course, lands them in hot water. It’s an effective, natural expression. Sounds like the look you sent your nephew wasn’t as fierce as the one you got back. LOL! Thanks for visiting! Come back again soon.
Cheryl – I am VERY good at giving the dirty look. I acquired it during high school and if I give someone the look they know it! (I save it for special occasions though. . .)
I just remembered that you emailed me but I think it was right before I went out of town – I’ll email you in the morning!
Twitter: thatgirlisfunny
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Hi Diane,
Perpetual dirty look. Not very attractive. Special occasions, as needed works best! I’m looking forward to hearing from you,
I’m not surprised that someone as determined as you are knows how to deliver the look effectively. Using it only when necessary is a key point. If we do it too often, our face might stay that way.
Cheryl
Email me please….got your message on my blog…NOW AM SO NERVOUS…
I need to find out exactly what you want from me…am game….xx
Twitter: thatgirlisfunny
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haha! I’m glad you’re game. This is going to be fun. Nervous is good. I would be too…but in a good way.
What I have learned is that people will respect you when you learn to respect yourself. People treat you the way that you allow them to. When you learn to love yourself then respect from others will happen. You teach others how to treat you by the way that you treat yourself. Great article. Mom’s use “the look” to tell their kids to behave or else all the time.
Twitter: thatgirlisfunny
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Patricia,
That is exactly the thought I wanted to leave people with. Going numb is NOT an option! Sometimes, when people are teasing (bullying), we go along with it “don’t want to make waves”. By doing that, we broadcast to everyone that we will tolerate being treated without respect, without honor. The “dirty look” lets people know that they’re messing with the wrong person. If anyone needs some back-up, I’ll lend you my fierce cat. LOL!
Boundaries are extremely effective and should be taught by parents at an early age. I learned my “look” from my mother who was the consummate look-giver if someone was out of line. It speaks volumes, doesn’t it?
Twitter: thatgirlisfunny
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Hi Cherlock,
The right look does speak volumes. What I like most is NOT having to say anything else. Everyone adjusts their behavior. Works perfectly with parents and their children. Your mother prepared you well. The right “look” is like having “mad” money. You’re prepared to take good care of yourself.
Twitter: getinthehotspot
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Yes, pretty glad you weren’t directing that dirty look at us. I pity the guy off camera who was on the receiving end.
Some people need to practice but I like that you included some pics of kids giving withering looks. My four year old has it down pat. Don’t know where she gets it from:)
Twitter: thatgirlisfunny
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Hi Annabel,
We know where she gets that withering look from – she has a good teacher. haha! A withering look. I couldn’t think of what else we call those kinds of looks. Excellent tool in the conversational self-defense arsenal.
I LOVE THIS POST! And I hope I never get one of YOUR dirty looks…yikes! Terrific photo, Cheryl!(I’m just trying to figure out exactly WHAT someone did to get THAT look on your face. “I pity the fool…”
Habit #38 is so critical if you want to be happy…hard to do sometimes, but I have to agree with you 100% on the ‘reward’ aspect of it.
Great list of things to do to earn respect, as well! I like “overcoming the odds” the best…wise advice, “Ragsdini”.
Twitter: thatgirlisfunny
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Hey Freddie,
Or are you Mr. T tonight? I spend much more time smiling and laughing than tossing off dirty looks. I like having an effective option though.
Just Say No!